About two weeks ago marked an entire year since my initial return from Uganda. Crazy, right?! God has done incredible things through that year, but I never thought that this is where I would be. I never even considered not being back in the Pearl of Africa this summer. But here I am: Soldier, Kansas. The question that I have to answer for myself over and over again is this: "Why am I here?"
Let me be open and honest: If I were in charge (thank goodness I'm not), I would've been in Uganda loving on my kids at this very moment. My heart aches with missing them. But God's ways are not the ways of man. He is Sovereign over all, and as hard as it is for me to accept, He tightly closed the door for my return to Uganda until further notice. I've jokingly told a few people that if I were to board a plane to Uganda right now, I think God would send a giant fish to swallow me up for a few days and bring me back to the States.... but I was kind of serious. I wasn't sure why He wanted me here, exactly; I only knew He did. So, I stayed.
I won't claim that I now know the entirety of the reason He hasn't allowed me to go back this summer, but I do think God has opened my eyes to it a little bit:
I needed this time to realize that I have failed. I have failed in keeping up good contact with those I love back in Uganda. I have failed in communicating with you all, and I have failed in making much progress in the ministry and keeping it all organized. I had to realize how deeply I have failed before I could truly realize that He has not. You see, all of those failures are actually symptoms of the real problem: my pride. In it, I've attempted to carry the weight of Bethel on my own. I've tried to take the reigns and "make it happen" because I can do it if I try hard enough, right?
No. I cannot.
As I've said. I tried, and I failed. And I heard the question, "Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by human effort?" (Gal. 3:3). And God has used my time at home this summer to humble me and gently pry my clenched hand open and allow Him to take the weight, the responsibility, and the head of all that has happened and will happen in Uganda. After all, He loved them first.
I wish I could explain the weight that lifted from my heart when He gave me the realization of that: When I realized that my failures are inconsequential in the face of my Redeemer; He is Sovereign over all. But at the same time, I thought, now that things were "set right," He would tell me what to do next to jump start Bethel and make up for lost time (my pride again). I was wrong. Again. Instead, He has called me into a period of waiting. I have learned to appreciate times when God calls me to wait. No, they're not necessarily easy, but it is a time in which I am allowed to sit and dwell upon Him and upon the Gospel. I get to practice waiting expectantly, and in my experience, the wait is well worth it.
So, as for how things are going in Kagarama, Uganda right now, the kids are still being fed, we're working on our garden for the next season, and school is in session, but as for me, I'm waiting. No, I don't have any idea of what is next, and yes, I'm content with that answer because I know the one who is in charge, and He never fails.
I am not in Uganda this summer. I won't be able to go back until God provides, but no matter how much I miss it, I am content to wait upon Him and trust that He has me in the most perfect spot I could be right now. That's enough for me.
